he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
