I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
