apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
