someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
