my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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