If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
