in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Randomize
