Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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