I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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