I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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