I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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