What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
You're so nebulous sometimes
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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