I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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