Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
