well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
