I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
