she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
