mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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