Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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