I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Dicks are not precious.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
