Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
