FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
