so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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