The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
USA USA USA
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.