It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Randomize
