oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I'm always down for nudity.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize