Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
