i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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