I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
