The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
