my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
