Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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