Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
