I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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