who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Randomize
