he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
