we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Randomize
