I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
