You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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