YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
