You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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