He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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