I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I just googled if crying burns calories
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
