I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
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