just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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