I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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