I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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