she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Randomize
