I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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