I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
