On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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