i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
