All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
