I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
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Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
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You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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