I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
