loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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