either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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